Weakness

There are flashes of moments where I am reminded of weakness. I put those moments in the “low-esteem” bin on my memory shelf.

The first time I breast – fed Seal #1, it failed due to inexperience, lack of knowledgeable support, and lack of hunger on the part of the Seal himself.

The second time I breast – fed Seal #2, it worked for 4 months. But then I screwed up. I should not have stopped pumping. My life was encompassed with pumping and direct feeding, and I hated it. I would get the urge to do ANYTHING but pump from the machine. It was equivalent to drinking the horrendously bitter fluid during colonscopy -prep, or reading a very dry portion of the MPEP (manual of patent examiners and practictioners) while wearing potato – chip contact lenses at the end of a expansive day.

Feed the newborn directly? Sure. After 10 minutes he and I were both done. Then he changed his mind. My nipple hurt like bitch. Forget tingling – imagine shooting pains growing from the brown eye to the neck. I hated it when it took so long, or when he nursed for comfort. Come on already! I’m impatient, you need to feed and grow! You are a preemie, you can’t just bite and play around, making me confused as to whether you are getting nourishment or sexually pleasing me.

Please, my children, do not get cancer. That is what society has warned me against. Don’t breast feed for a year? Get cancer. Get abnormal IQ.

My body felt amazing after 9 months of pregnancy. I was refreshed, unlike most new Moms. I was tired and bored out of my mind, but at least my body was agreeing with me sans hormone influx and valve pressures in the body. I wanted to read (my eyes didn’t water anymore!), I wanted to eat (I could taste food w/o the inflamed membranes).

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It’s 9:30pm

The house is finally silent. I am going to get my lazy bum up and do the following now:

1. Long hot shower and shave legs. Seriously…today at Baby Seal #1’s swimming lesson I (unawares) wore palazzo pants with Ugg boots, leaving a 2 inch gap of hairy skin. So attractive, I know.

2. Clean kitchen (almost done)

3. Pick – up living room

4. Hang up clothes in closet – This is due to wardrobe and body image issues. There are essentially two problems here:

a. I still have maternity clothes taking up over half of my single hanger rod. Need to box them up.

b. Am working on my weight. In the meantime I go through mad phases of “I wonder if this fits me now?” to check on my progress. Then a kid screams or nearly faints from hunger so I need to stop and attend to things (for several hours).

BTW, I did a mad dash to a department store today from 3 to 5pm (including travel time). I HATE shopping during holidays, but had to brave the crowds because I need something formal to wear for a party. The problem is I have 20 + extra poundage which stops me from wearing just anything. I grabbed a cart, and piled on the clothes for the fitting room. I must have tried 30 + items and walked out with a blouse (too large but will see if my Mother in law can take it in a bit), a black blazer, black pants and shorts (the shorts were on clearance for $4, figured why not). I’m sure part of this will be returned, it depends on my mood and how fat I’m feeling in the next few days.

 

 

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Everything is lost

At the end of a long day.

Chai. Scalding hot on my parched tongue.

Feet up. Socks found, icy stubbed feet covered.

Phone on charge, relief that it won’t bother me with warnings anymore.

Too lazy to do all the things I wanted to do during the day but couldn’t, do to more important issues of Baby Seal #2’s sleep schedule and Baby Seal #1’s toddler schedule.

I’m reminded of fleeting periods of worried angst in between child rocking and feedings. I take those in my mind, bundle them up, and put them aside. Will think about that tomorrow.

Right now I need something entertaining. I need conversation, music, literature, news, gossip, pretty pictures, fashion, relaxation.

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Because the night

Belongs to lovers?

No. It doesn’t. Lovers are ignorant of the cold dark nuances of each passing minute. The sounds of babies crying at 3:22 am. The flickering of lights. Blankets are wrapped. Diapers changed in sleepy haze and thrown to the corner. Bodies and bassinets rocked. Bottles made and breasts massaged. Windows opened/closed. Heaters placed carefully. Falling asleep, only to be urgently awaken 40 minutes later. Repeat cycle until the glorious 6am hour when baby can be handed to someone. Sleep blissfully and uninterrupted for 2 hours, silently adding up the bits of sleep in one’s head.

Lovers are too busy staring at each other, dancing, dreaming. The night belongs to parents of newborn children, who are aware of every sound in the nocturnal air.

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My evening bathroom routine

Should include:

1. Tooth brush / floss 2. Wash face 3. Acne med 4. Tone 5. Moisturize 6. Eye cream7. Brush hair, oil if nec, straighten / curl so next day don’t look like bag lady (I was once mistaken for a hitchhiker/bag lady…seriously. Large overstuffed backpack, hair in unruly undone mess, sans makeup, sweat clothes, run into gas station for a caffeine fix. Concerned eyebrowed lady stops me to ask if I am a hitchiker and if I need any help. That was the end of my leave the house looking like crap days. Or so I thought until I screamed out two baby seals).

8. Contact lenses in fresh cleanser 9. Set out clothes for next day 10. Make list of things to do next day.

Actually includes:

1. Brush teeth.

2. Feed baby.

3. Be grumpy and feel sorry for myself.

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Signs of Labor?

Mild contractions, ranging from every 10 minutes to every 4 minutes.  Doctor confirmed that they are indeed contractions and not merely Braxton Hicks. Crampy feeling.

Overall feeling like I have the flu. Scratchy throat, achy limbs.

Strong, all – encompassing FATIGUE. All I want to do is lay down and rest or sleep.

Lower back ache. No, baby is not facing foward. But I still have this back ache that makes it difficult to walk for very long or stand.

Going to the bathroom, cleaning out the system, very frequently. Basically if I eat something, I need to go shortly afterwards.

Swollen foot. Yes, only foot, not feet. For some reason only my right side is swollen.

Doctor said he thinks baby will be arriving very soon, probably by the first week of August if not sooner. I was feeling so bad a few days ago that I was certain he was going to be born early at 35 weeks. Packed my bags (very slowly and with groans) and was ready to go to the hospital.  Checked my blood pressure, it was slightly high so they recommended lots of rest to slow down the contractions and lower the blood pressure. I was happy that at least baby was fine. He hadn’t moved as much as his usual in the past few days and I was freaking out, to me a lack of movement is not a good thing at this stage.

 

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On why Gestational Diabetes is a load of crap

Search Gestational Diabetes – over diagnosis on Bing and you will see what I mean.

I was told that it is better to consume artificial sweeteners (Diet Coke, sugar free cookies) than it is to eat a juicy sweet summer peach. REALLY???  I should forgo the healthy fruits that preggo ladies have been told to eat for centuries, and instead gorge on artifical powders that will also root up various cancers in my (and possibly baby’s) body?

And don’t even get me started about the blood tests. I check finger #1 and get one reading. Then I check finger #2 and get a reading that varies by 20 points or more. ARGH! Then I go and wash my hands and do a little dance while trying to figure out if I have some sort of chemical or substance that is making the varied reading.

So when my doctor during my oh-so-wonderful-weekly NST asks “So how’s the blood sugar?” I reply: FINE. And he doesn’t ask me for my numbers. And I don’t elaborate. End of story.

I’ll stick with trying to eat healthier overall (low carb wraps, cottage cheese, water, whole grains, protien). If I crave pizza, then as God as my witness in this final month, I am going to eat pizza.

My food today:

Breakfast: Kashi Go Lean Whole Grain Waffles (2) with organic Peanut butter and a smudge of local honey. Skim milk. (I am usually super low in the morning fasting blood sugar, around 70-ish, and the only thing I can think about when I wake up is something to make me feel less jittery, i.e., food).

Snack:  Baby Seal had chips, I took some from his bowl

Snack #2: Half a peach.

Late Lunch: Curry leaf potatos, 2 low carb high fiber wraps.

Snack #1: Sugar craving – Low sugar Icecream bar (love them bcz they are low carb & don’t taste that way)

Snack #2: On the way to the doc office: Mixed nuts, iced coffee no sugar.

Snack #3: The other half of the peach.

Dinner: 1 piece whole grain bread, mung bean lentils, more curry leaf potatos

Snack: Fat free cottage cheese

Snack #2: Half glass of whole milk (I’ve found that this curbs repeated snacking and controls my sugar all night, as compared to skim milk, probably because it’s just heavier in general).

So my diet is by no means a low fat diet or weight loss geared diet, but an attempt at controlling third trimester cravings, hunger, and also keeping blood sugar in mind. I could add more leafy greans, but I’m just too freaking tired to go and pursue these things…I eat what is at home and what I remember to buy. If I happen to have lettuce or spinach, i add it to a sandwich. If there are cucumbers, I eat them with hummus. Same goes with carrots (although carrots give high blood sugar!). Most of my veggies come from the Indian dishes cooked at home.

 

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